Goals

My goal is to update this blog everyday.  but life just keeps getting in the way.  Is it just me or are the days going by extremely fast? They say it's not possible to think of more than one thing at a time, but I feel like at any given moment my mind is filled up with a mental to do list the size of the Mount St. Helens with the possibility of a detrimental explosion. 

Lately my life has been whirling me around and dropping me off in areas of life I had never explored.  I can honestly say I had never given one ounce of thought as to what color chiavari chairs I might want my guests to sit on during our wedding ceremony.  

I realize now I just never imagined what being engaged entailed.  Erik and I were together for 5.5 years and yes, I occasionally "encouraged" him to propose.  I swore to both of us I wouldn't be one of 'those' brides.  I wouldn't worry or get angry or cry or be high maintenance in aaaany way! I totally became one of those brides. 

We got engaged last September and the first wedding planning-y thing my husband-to-be (no matter how hard I try, there's just no cool word for fiancé) and I did was  to attend a bridal show in January.
It was then and there that I realized I didn't know what Chantilly lace was and that drove me head first into a panic attack.  

and following that, for the months of January - April, I dove head first into finding out as much as I could about planning a (good! fun! relaxing! beautiful!) wedding, and so I made goals! I had lists! I joined pinterest, I took a trip to Portland and spent 9 hardcore days trying to find us a barn to get married in.

It was fun, but for some reason I wasn't having fun.  Erik and I were getting into arguments, I felt drained, mentally and physically.  I realized I needed to set goals and I needed to ask for help.  So I asked my future marital partner (nope, does not sound cool.) to help. and help he did. He stuffed envelopes with invitations and wrapped red needpoint thread around twine until his fingers fell off.  It came time to send the invitations about an hour before I was to head to the airport to go visit my family in Miami.  As we were putting the last stamp on the last enveloped Erik asked if I was sure I wanted to send them.  Did I want to think about it while I was away and then we could talk when I got back home?  and it was in that very moment that I realize I had been behaving totally un-rad-ly, and I was actually making my dream partner (ick) question whether he actually wanted to marry me.

I went to Miami and then came back from Miami just as it was turning spring in Montreal and something shifted us both into a really calm place. A place we'd wanted to be in all along, but we were meant to find the road together.  The last month we've really been acting as a team during our twice a week wedding planning meetings.  and this is why I'm marrying him.  Because we work so good together.  Because our lives are about so many tiny details coming together to create real big things. It's feels good when two hearts are open to each other.    

hello old friend

As you probably haven't noticed, (since I only have 2 followers!)  that I've been gone for quite some time! Long enough for my sister to have moved to Miami, and long enough for me have visited her there 7 times. (so far!).  Long enough for my friend to get pregnant aaand have a handsome baby (Hi Julian!) and long enough that I am engaged and planning our wedding.

crazy.

I never thought I would get married. but I always envisioned taking someone else's last name.  Ironically, I will be doing the former but not the latter.

I've needed to do so much self-help googling in the past few months, in between all of pinterest pages and knot budget calculating, and cyber-trips to Oregon, if you could peek a glimpse at my google bar you'd find some pretty disturbing queries! I'll leave them up to your imagination.  But i will say this:   This blog always finds its way to my inbox at the perfect time.  It might not be for everyone. It's definitely not for the person whose sole purpose in life is to get married to someone (anyone!) and live happily ever after.  It is for us, the anxious people of planet earth who know that relationships and marriage don't automatically equal harmony and bliss.  That sometimes, relationships create anxiety and fear and doubt.  It's about learning how to be open to and feel those dark places inside of us.  For that is from where true growth and healing emerges.

Another blog I've been super addicted to is Bubby and Bean and it is mainly for this reason that I have decided to blog again.  Bubby and Bean makes me feel so good about life! I imagine Melissa, the blog's owner, sipping chamomile tea on her porch with all the windows open while listening to velvet Underground and composing her daily blog updates.  It's an inspirational blog on all accounts and she has really fantastic taste.  Check it out!

Until next time keep it on love,

Tasha